The Calm Before the Storm....

Tuesday Quotes - there is no other life than this....

I love th2 chill app.

Light

It's interesting.
Why is it, that for many things in life...
We know what to do.
We know what will help us feel better.

For example, most people know and understand the best way to eat healthy.
The best way to lose weight or just feel better.
And, it's pretty simple.
Don't eat junk food.
Cut down on sugar and get some exercise.
We know what to do.
Doesn't mean it's easy.
Doesn't mean we do it.

I also know and I think other people do as well.
That when you're depressed and not feeling well.
When you think you're all alone and in that deep, dark joke.
When you feel you're in a rut.
I know.
I know that if I can get myself to reach out and start talking again, start interacting with others.
It helps.
I feel alive again.
I'm no expert, but I think many people who are depressed need to reach out and try.
Try to see that for many of us.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel.
There is a hand reaching down.

So, please.
If you are a friend of mine who is depressed and gotten quiet and find it hard to see that hand.
It's there for you.
You just have to reach out and say hello again.

Tell me, tell us.
What are you reading these days?
What makes you smile?

For me, online friends are the best.
This homebody can sit at home, have a cup of coffee and still interact with people.
It's so important.
And it has helped me to forget a little bit about health issues and feel alive....

I've spent some time at the beach, me mostly sitting while Amy takes a long walk...
Some recent pix<

Time to write again....

I had posted this in May and then took it down, when no.....I didn't manage to start writing on here again.

I'll try again.

Time to write again....

I'm outside on my deck.

Alone.

Looking for a new book to read 

Birds are chirping. 

Sun is shining.

Leaves are rustling in the breeze.

Trees sway.

Mesmerizing....

I hear the mail truck go by.

Children laughing.

It's beautiful out.

I'm content.

Happy even.

Dogs barking.

The train goes by.

I hear a car start.

And someone's AC go on.

I ponder.

I tell myself.

You can do this.

Find your own path.

Your own story.

Alone.

But not lonely.

Life is good.

Life that is

Stress 

Love

Sorrow

Grief

Memories.

But.

There is love.

There is life.

I close my eyes.

Feel the breeze.

I take a deep breath.

And open my eyes.

Life goes on....

Happy 89th Birthday Mom

Monday 4/18/16

Is today a new beginning?
we shall see...
I keep an open mind.
Waiting
waiting.
trying to keep my heart rate down.
Ive started meditating you know.
I think it helps.
guided meditations.
I need all of the help I can get.

meditation.
medication.

hmmm...

not this...

This really hit home for me today, this week, this year.....

In this incredible essay, Liz talks about that terrifying moment of realization from the deepest part of you: ”I don't know what my life is supposed to be...but it's NOT THIS."

Dear Ones -

Most of us, at some point in our lives (unless we have done everything perfectly...which is: nobody) will have to face a terrible moment in which we realize that we have somehow ended up in the wrong place — or at least, in a very bad place.

Maybe we will have to admit that we are in the wrong job. Or the wrong relationship. With the wrong people around us. Living in the wrong neighborhood. Acting out on the wrong behaviors. Using the wrong substances. Pretending to believe things that we no longer believe. Pretending to be something we were never meant to be.

This moment of realization is seldom fun. In fact, it's usually terrifying. 

I call this moment of realization: NOT THIS.

Because sometimes that's all you know, at such a moment. 

All you know is: NOT THIS. 

Sometimes that's all you CAN know. 

All you know is that some deep life force within you is saying, NOT THIS, and it won't be silenced. 

Your body is saying: "NOT THIS."

Your heart is saying: "NOT THIS."

Your soul is saying: "NOT THIS."

But your brain can't bring itself to say "NOT THIS", because that would cause a serious problem. The problem is: You don't have a Plan B in place. This is the only life you have. This is the only job you have. This is the only spouse you have. This is the only house you have. Your brain says, "It may not be great, but we have to put up with it, because there are no other options." You're not sure how you got here — to this place of THIS — but you sure as hell don't know how to get out...

So your brain says: "WE NEED TO KEEP PUTTING UP WITH THIS, BECAUSE THIS IS ALL WE HAVE."

But still, beating like a quiet drum, your body and your heart and your soul keep saying: NOT THIS...NOT THIS...NOT THIS.

I think some of the bravest people I have ever met were people who had the courage to say the words, "NOT THIS" outloud — even before they had an alternative plan. 

People who walked out of bad situations without knowing if there was a better situation on the horizon. 

People who looked at the life they were in, and they said, "I don't know what my life is supposed to be...but it's NOT THIS." And then they just...left.

I think my friend who walked out of a marriage after less than a year, and had to move back in with her mother (back into her childhood bedroom), and face the condemnation of the entire community while she slowly created a new life for herself. Everyone said, "If he's not good enough for you, who will be?" She didn't know. She didn't know anything about what her life would look like now. But it started with her saying: NOT THIS.

I think of my friend who took her three young children away from a toxic marriage, despite that fact that her husband supported her and the kids financially...and the four of them (this woman and her three children) all slept in one bed together in a tiny studio apartment for a few years, while she struggled to build a new life. She was poor, she was scared, she was alone. But she had to listen to the voices within her that said, NOT THIS.

I think of friends who walked out of jobs — with no job waiting for them. Because they said NOT THIS.

I think of friends who quit school, rather than keep pretending that they cared about this field of study anymore. And yes, they lost the scholarship. And yes, they ended up working at a fast food restaurant, while everyone else was getting degrees. And yes, it took them a while to figure out where to go next. But there was a relief at last in just surrendering to the holy, non-negotiable truth of NOT THIS.

I think of friends who bravely walked into AA meetings and just fell apart in front of a room full of total strangers, and said, NOT THIS. 

I think of a friend who pulled her children out of Sunday School in the middle of church one Sunday because she'd had it with the judgment and self-righteousness of this particular church. Yes, it was her community. Yes, it was her tribe. But she physically couldn't be in that building anymore without feeling that she would explode. She didn't know where she was going, spiritually or within her community, but she said, NOT THIS. And walked out. 

Rationally, it's crazy to abandon a perfectly good life (or at least a familiar life) in order to jump into a mystery. No sane person would advise you to make such a leap, with no Plan B in place. We are supposed to be careful. We are supposed to be prudent.

And yet....

And yet.

If you keep ignoring the voices within you that say NOT THIS, just because you don't know what to do, instead...you may end up stuck in NOT THIS forever. 

You don't need to know where you are going to admit that where you are standing right now is wrong. 

The bravest thing to say can be these two words. 

What comes next?

I don't know. You don't know. Nobody knows. It might be worse. It might be better. But whatever it is...? It's NOT THIS. 

ONWARD,
LG

Elizabeth Gilbert

Thoughts.

Lao Tzu

The simple truth is,
You are your own master.
Your actions are your reality.


Zen Parable

The Master poured tea into her student’s cup until it overflowed onto the table.
Student: Stop! The cup is full!
Master: Your mind is like this cup—how can I offer you anything unless you empty yourself first?

Monday, Monday....

It's beautiful here.
The truth is, I knew I, we, needed a vacation after all that has gone on the past few months.
Really the last year....
So, I sucked it up, remember. I'm a homebody....and set up this trip.
Luckily Amy agreed to go with me.
I've been told for weeks now that I needed to get away.
I felt a little like an intervention :).

I don't believe either of my sisters thought I would really go.
Amy either.
I have a habit of backing out of vacations.

Then, omg, we were going to lose an hour of sleep!

I just went for it.
I got car service to jfk,
Booked a very nice hotel
Skipped a car rental.
Car service to the hotel.
Everything here that we need.

It's beautiful.
And peaceful.
Amy needed this.
I did too.
I'm happy she is happy.

She gave me a gift on the plane.
Another when we got here.

She says my gift is setting up this whole vacation.

I try to text my sisters.
They don't really want to talk!
Relax they say.
Sorta stresses me more.
Me here, them there...

But I close my eyes and try to remind myself.
I need this week....

...I trust today...

More tomorrow

I need to collect my thoughts, so more tomorrow.

But for now....

Chill

Has anyone downloaded the Chill app on their iPad?

Such beautiful pictures and quotes.
One each day.
Something to look forward to.

I have a couple to share with you. More beautiful and awe inspiring on the app.
Check them out.

Thursday

Today.
It was a tough day.
At 88, my mother has lost all of her siblings, last her twin today.

For me. Lately, Life goes by.
So fast.
It struck me today, how time passes.

still hold it all in.
Still haven't let it out.
Emotions bottled up.
They know though.

We all try to comfort my mother.
What goes thru her mind now?
The last one?
Her own mortality.
How scary is it to contemplate.

I will never forget her and know what she did for me.

Cherish every moment and every person in your life, because you never know when it will be the last time you see someone...

Feeling Grateful...

My prayer

Friday 1/29/16

"You can't stop the waves but you can learn how to surf."

~ Jon Kabat Zinn

Sunday...

Not a Journal

I missed day 5, for the gratitude challenge.
Oh well.

Someone mentioned they thought this was a online journal or something.
It's not.
Just someplace to share my thoughts.
Even though I mostly feel like I talk to myself here.
I still think it helps.
To relieve some stress.
I generally hold it all inside of me.
The last few years, it's been making its way out.
I don't know, maybe it's hormones :)
But I've changed. 
I used to feel emotionless.
Now I can't stop the emotions and wonder at people who feel no emotion.


A silent, still water.
A single raindrop hits the surface.
You see the ripple.
So quiet.
What can be so beautiful?
The sound as the drop hits.
The ripple as it grows....
Expanding outward.
Covering the surface.
And another drop.
Peaceful.
Quiet.
Mesmerizing.
I close my eyes.
And fall into the abyss.

Day 4 Gratitude Challenge

Today, I'm grateful to be with family today for a "girls only" :)  reunion.

Day 3 Gratitude Challenge

Today I'm grateful -

That I still have a job

Having good books to read and friends who are willing to talk about them with me.
Also, I'm grateful it's Friday :)

Day 2 Gratitude Challenge

today is going to be tough. As expected, not a lot of sleep last night.

I'm grateful to be sitting here this morning, with a cup of coffee in my hand and a roof over my head.

Maybe more later today....

Day 1 Gratitude Challenge

 Today I'm grateful for -

The friends I have, especially those who no matter what, give me a hug when needed :)
My health, such that it is, I need to stand on my own 2 feet and keep going.
My family, who has pulled together with one crisis after another these past few months. I would not have been able to hold it together without them, and grateful for them, for what is coming. I know I will need people that care by my side.
Amy. For not leaving my side when she could have. For forgiving me for things I've done wrong. For loving me no matter what.

Gratitude

"Expressing GRATITUDE gives each of us an opportunity to CHOOSE positive thinking & reflecting (thankful, grateful, appreciative) over negative thinking & reflecting (whining, complaining, nagging) because at any giving point-in-time we will do one or the other. We will either express a negative emotion/reaction or a positive emotion/reaction. Both cannot happen during the same moment so again, we must CHOOSE wisely." ~ Mario Wiggins 

BENEFITS OF BEING GRATEFUL & EXPRESSING GRATITUDE

* GRATITUDE leads to positive thinking and positive solutions.  

* GRATITUDE is a great precursor to happiness, problem solving, and stress management.
* GRATITUDE gives us an opportunity to appreciate the big things as well as the small things in our lives.
* GRATITUDE is a solution to whining, complaining and nagging.
* GRATITUDE is always the best choice - at least for me. Is it a good choice for you? 

A 5 day gratitude challenge.

Who's in?

STARTING TOMORROW (thanks to M. Wiggins)

I need some encouragement.

Strength

It's a new day.
Standing on my own 2 feet :)

Always look for something positive in every day.
Yesterday. Yesterday I was reminded you don't always get back what you give to others.
But it is ok.
We all do the best we can in this world and not everyone can be as caring and compassionate to others... It just is.

I'm still dealing with some difficult times. 
But, today I learned that my aunt can stay in the nursing home were she went for short term rehab for long term now and we don't have to apply for other nursing homes.
She can stay where she is for the little time she has left.
We received some very bad news about her last week when she went in to the hospital.
So, she can stay, she isn't happy, but she wouldn't be happy no matter what. I walked into her room today and she started screaming at me and threw a spoon at me.
I try not to rake it personal :)
When she was in the hospital she screamed at me and told me she hated me. It's very hard. I know many of you have been thru this.

So again, I take the good with the bad.
Now we have to get her apartment emptied out in the next few weeks.
And I dread having to tell her she is never going home.

Remind myself, we were lucky to find out she could stay where she is today. I may have to keep repeating that good news.

The other thing, it seems Amy can't catch a break and has some new health problems to deal with.
She has surgery scheduled now in the next 2 weeks and the hope is she won't need more.

But scary words, the C words, the R word.... They are there. 
We are hoping for the best.

If anyone can spare good thoughts, prayers, energy, whatever works for you. I'll take anything you have because, though I say I'll stand on my own 2 feet, I don't think I'm strong enough. I don't thing I can do it alone.
I'm a million pieces inside, barely holding it together.....

Please. Be there for those in your life you care about.

The people you think are the strongest?
They cry in the shower.

At least I do.

I do know one thing.
I need to pull myself out of this hole and start talking to people 
again.
I'm hoping and giving this another shot.
This is the place I can talk.
I'm going to try.

It's a new day.