Lighthouse Keepers

A bit of a rainy day here.
definitely have that rainy feeling.....

It's a Big Sit weekend.
I wonder who knows what I'm talking about.

busy days, busy weekends.
life is again, passing me by.

I need to put on the brakes.

I've just finished reading a book about a Lighthouse Keeper.
It was an excellent book.
I find when I read a book I enjoy, my interest peaks about the subject.
And I started looking up info about Lighthouse Keepers.
What type of life they must have led...

And it got me thinking.
About Isolation.
And Loneliness
Which led me to Solitude.

Solitude, I believe.
Is different from loneliness.

What Is Solitude?

Loneliness is marked by a sense of isolation. Solitude, on the other hand, is a state of being alone without being lonely and can lead to self-awareness.

As the world spins faster and faster—or maybe it just seems that way when an email can travel around the world in fractions of a second—we mortals need a variety of ways to cope with the resulting pressures. We need to maintain some semblance of balance and some sense that we are steering the ship of our life.
Otherwise we feel overloaded, overreact to minor annoyances and feel like we can never catch up. As far as I'm concerned, one of the best ways is by seeking, and enjoying, solitude.
That said, there is an important distinction to be established right off the bat. There is a world of difference between solitude and loneliness, though the two terms are often used interchangeably.
From the outside, solitude and loneliness look a lot alike. Both are characterized by solitariness. But all resemblance ends at the surface.
Loneliness is a negative state, marked by a sense of isolation. One feels that something is missing. It is possible to be with people and still feel lonely—perhaps the most bitter form of loneliness.
Solitude is the state of being alone without being lonely. It is a positive and constructive state of engagement with oneself. Solitude is desirable, a state of being alone where you provide yourself wonderful and sufficient company.
Solitude is a time that can be used for reflection, inner searching or growth or enjoyment of some kind. Deep reading requires solitude, so does experiencing the beauty of nature. Thinking and creativity usually do too.
Solitude suggests peacefulness stemming from a state of inner richness. It is a means of enjoying the quiet and whatever it brings that is satisfying and from which we draw sustenance. It is something we cultivate. Solitude is refreshing; an opportunity to renew ourselves. In other words, it replenishes us.
Loneliness is harsh, punishment, a deficiency state, a state of discontent marked by a sense of estrangement, an awareness of excess aloneness.
Solitude is something you choose. Loneliness is imposed on you by others.
We all need periods of solitude, although temperamentally we probably differ in the amount of solitude we need. Some solitude is essential; It gives us time to explore and know ourselves. It is the necessary counterpoint to intimacy, what allows us to have a self worthy of sharing. Solitude gives us a chance to regain perspective. It renews us for the challenges of life. It allows us to get (back) into the position of driving our own lives, rather than having them run by schedules and demands from without.

Solitude restores body and mind. Lonelinesss depletes them.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200308/what-is-solitude?collection=64396

We all need a Keeper of the Light......

Moments

I saw this article and found it interesting, especially in light of where my mind had been focused lately.
Capturing the moment,

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/boston-globe-black-mass-premiere_560c1acce4b07681270030e2?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063

And I kept looking at the picture and smiling.
Sadly at most everyone in the picture but grinning at the one person there taking in the moment.

I think my mind is having problems with trying to capture an event...more than anything else.

There is nothing wrong with a picture....
Especially when it tells a story.
I'm reminded of this....

Forty Portraits in Forty Years

The Brown sisters have been photographed every year since 1975. 

http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2014/10/03/magazine/01-brown-sisters-forty-years.html?smid=fb-nytimes&smtyp=cur&bicmp=AD&bicmlukp=WT.mc_id&bicmst=1409232722000&bicmet=1419773522000&abt=0002&abg=0&_r=4


These pictures blew me away.
I couldn't stop looking at them, the changes you see with them, year after year.

Innocence and happiness, joy, sorrow.
There is such a story captured.
As the years go by.
Without a word.
They are beautiful, haunting pictures.
Black and white...

I could not stop looking.

Please check them out.
You won't be sorry.
It won't be time wasted.
I promise.
It will give you something to think about.
You will find yourself returning to them.
Over and over.

Tuesday 9/29/15

I got my flu shot on Friday. It's funny because I had the flu years ago and since then have always gotten the flu shot.
And I generally give people who don't get it a hard time, most think they are going to have a reaction or get the flu....
I always said to them, don't be silly....

Well, naturally I had a bit of a reaction on Friday night and pretty much felt lousy all weekend.
It was weird, I had the chills and I've been aching all over.

We had also decided to have a tag sale on Sunday, so I spent Saturday lugging stuff around.
We are having some company stay with us soon and we really need to cut down on the clutter in the house.

So, out to the garage I lugged 12 boxes of books and the spin bike and milk crate of weights.
My back was not feeling great on Saturday night and in the back of my mind I knew we would be just lugging stuff back after the sale.

Not too far off, though we did sell the spin bike and weights. A few books.
basically, we can't give this stuff away. and then certain neighbors brought some stuff over for us to sell.

Then there were the shoppers who showed up and had no problem with their child throwing rocks into our neighbors yard...who barely speaks to us, we know not why... Amy got the job of going over there and telling them. We got our rocks back.....

All in all, it was a busy, tiring weekend. We did decide to just donate everything that is left. no lugging it back in. Now, just need to get the futon back downstairs and we are all set.

We took Monday off, we knew we wanted to go to the beach and watch the eclipse.
And we did. it was chilly so we didn't stay that long and ended up watching the rest of it from home, where it was warm...

But while we were there.

It was a beautiful night and there were quite a few folks down there.
Many were sitting in the field with lawn chairs, others on the beach.

We managed to get a bench overlooking the sound.
peaceful
dark
waves crashing
people chatting
a family walked out onto the sand all carrying pumpkin globes that lit up.
it was fun. pretty in the dark.
did I mention it was chilly......

And the moon, though so high up in the sky, shone brightly on the water.
and we watched as the eclipse started and it looked like small slices were disappearing from the moon.

Did I try to capture the moment?
yeah I did.
but I forced myself to just take it all in.
not just the eclipse itself.
Everything.
It was so clear there for us.
and it was another starry, starry night.

I love the moon and the stars.
I love seeing people there.
Wanting to experience nature.
Experience life.

It's all around us.

XAVIER LEOTY / AFP / Getty


I know I haven't had much to say lately, it's because, well - I haven't had much to say.... kinda busy, kinda down. nothing major. Just sometimes words pour out of me and sometimes I feel I have nothing worth saying.
I'm in that stage right now. Nothing worthwhile to say really.
Hoping to see some light at the end of the tunnel soon....

Capturing life's moments....

No walk tonight...

I came home and made lentil soup for dinner.

I've been trying to bring lunch to work.

I've been so busy I no longer have too much time to go home for lunch.

And skipping lunch is a bad idea for me....

So, some lentil soup for lunch tomorrow too.

Hanging out on the deck before dinner, the clouds were weird.
Can't even describe them....
Spooky maybe.
I took a picture.

There was an orange glow in the house later on, It was a beautiful sky. I knew I had to go grab a picture.

I know, still trying to capture the moment, instead of just enjoying it.

Why do we do that?
It seems a memory isn't enough.
Why are we trying to capture every moment?
Just because we can, just because we have the technology, doesn't mean we should....
We need something physical, something to hold in our hands?

So we can return to that feeling, that moment, over and over.

I wonder if it is a sign of getting older.
Just a normal reaction of something most of us go through, that feeling of forgetfulness?

Or is it, because, as we get older, we are more cognizant of....life passing us by.
So quickly.

I don't think I see young people always reaching....to capture that moment.
Well, maybe I do.
Maybe this generation of young people do just that.
That's new.
We are so attached to our electronics. Social media.
I'm guilty as well.

We didn't always try to capture the moment.

Sure, we took, or were part of pictures growing up, vacation pictures, etc.

But, now, we want, we need to capture everything.

Do we even have just good memories anymore?
Where we close our eyes and think about a wonderful time, or event, a special moment.
I hope we all still have those memories.
Buried in our brains.
Where we can bring them forward, where they can bring a smile without having to scroll through our phone.

I hope I can find a good balance.
When I see a beautiful sky, a gorgeous sunrise or sunset.
I know I will still reach for my camera.

But I hope, I'll try....
To take just one or 2 pictures.

And then sit back and enjoy the moments.

Ok, can't resist, I still want to share the pix!

Deep breaths....

I went for a walk at the beach tonight, with Amy and my sister.
I'm reminded how lucky we are to live by the water.

We have several choices when we go for walks.
3 or 4 different spots by the water.

My favorite is in a neighboring town.
Though still close by.

It seems we always choose the right spot to fit our mood.
Some times we are a bit loud and chatty and a certain spot is right for that, by the ball fields and skatepark and drive in.

Tonight,we chose Anchor Beach.
I've mentioned before it's my favorite walk.
This is the spot where I go when I walk alone

Tonight the 3 of us went, with some teasing about our latest fitbit challenge.
I'm in first place today, but that wont last.
A desk job makes it difficult.

Gorgeous out.
Perfect temp.
Quiet, like my mood.
Not very crowded.
Some folks fishing, others walking their dogs.
Cute puppie.
And lunkheads :)
I got to pet one...
Don't tell Allie.

We stopped at the midway point and sat on the rocks for awhile.
All 3 lost in our thoughts.
It was peaceful.

And my mind wandered.
Contemplated.
Pondered.
events of the day....

First, work.
Am I handling things ok?
I think I gave out some false hope today that I could release product and I wasn't able to.
It's a learning curve, isn't it?

I'm also working hard to let work go at the end of the day.

I was feeling pretty good sitting on those rocks.
Looking out over the water.
Listening to the gentle waves slap against the rocks.

I took a deep breath and connected again.
With the community I had been missing.
Missing having an actual conversation.
That give and take.
That ebb and flow.

I'll promise myself here to do a better job of staying in touch.
With the people there who make me feel wanted.
And missed.
And cared about.

We are all human and even if some people don't realize it?
I can't be the strong one all of the time.
And maybe I don't understand what I write here?
But I do know, it's all from my heart.

We all, at some point in our lives.
Need that hand on the shoulder.
That smile.
From friends.....

Thank you.

Second thoughts, third thoughts....

Sometimes, just venting a little bit puts things into perspective.

There all always disappointments in life, we all have them.
Those disappointments....

You shouldn't let them rule your life.
Take over your life.

You shouldn't, I shouldn't, go on about them.

Enjoy the good things in life.
Treat the people well who are there for you.
In good times and bad.

I see Marc and Angel have a new post out with a bunch of non-fiction "must-reads"

I've read a few, have a few.

I love those type of books.
Especially the Zen stuff.

Always looking for ways to calm my mind.
See only the good in people.

Because there is good in all of us.
Never doubt that.

40 Modern Nonfiction Books Everyone Should Read

http://www.marcandangel.com/2009/08/24/40-modern-nonfiction-books-everyone-should-read/

Jumbled thoughts

Another weekend, another day spent at the hospital...good thoughts for my aunt would be nice....thanks. Hopefully just another bump in the road.

Lots of jumbled thoughts today.

I have this problem, I really like the give and take of a conversation.
One that flows.
I miss that.
That community of people.

Anyway.....

I love Marc and Angel site, so many good thoughts, the right way to live your life.
I will remind myself.
I will try to do better.
I will try to be a better person.

Sometimes we’re so busy watching out for what’s just ahead of us that we don’t take time to enjoy where we are. 

Laugh at the confusion, live consciously in the moment, and enjoy your life as it unfolds. 

You might not be exactly where you had intended to go, but you are precisely where you need to be. -

from 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently http://www.marcandangel.com/book/

9/11/2015

I know this is a day of significance, of remembrance.

It's that day now - where you are asked.....

where were you, what were you doing, when.....?

September 11 has always been an important day to me.

It's Amy's birthday.

And on 9/11/01, Amy and I had the day off to celebrate her birthday.

We were originally going to meet her family for a reunion in Lake Tahoe, but things got in the way, so we didn't go.

We were on our way out of the door that morning to go birding when my sister called.
And like everyone else, we were glued to the tv.

The rest of Amy's family were all in airplanes that morning, flying into Lake Tahoe.
So, a stressful day, but unlike so many thousands of others....

They were all fine and we were not intimately touched by tragedy that day.

But, we all feel tragedy and each year we all go back. And remember.

But that night?

That night, I remember....Amy and I had to get away from the TV for awhile.

We went and sat on our deck.

We were quiet.

In shock, like everyone else....

I looked out into the yard and it was so quiet.

Silent, and still.

And I saw a bird.

Amy - I said, look...and I pointed.

It was an Indigo Bunting.

Not a common bird here.

We had not seen one in our yard before.

A beautiful bird.

There is always hope.


Amy has the day off today, but I've been too busy at work, so I couldn't get the day off. I did take her out for a quick lunch. And we will continue to celebrate later.....

Happy Birthday Amy

Photo by - www.valleywildlife.net

Monday

It's been a little over a year since Robin Williams took his own life, losing his battle with depression.
His death affected me deeply.
And I needed to talk about it with someone.
But I didn't.
I started questioning my life, my actions. I guess the way I was living my life.
Trudging through each day...thinking about what was really important in my life.
I'm doing better, having to deal with things on my own.
I don't accept help well, but when I do. I would hope it would be there for me.
Don't mind me, just talking to myself :)

Robins daughter, Zelda, posted this on Instagram.  It touched me.
There is always hope. Isn't there?

Moonrise on the lake,  I spent this night shivering and laughing under a clear, cold sky full of stars with people I love just to witness something beautiful. We mooned the moon and laughed ourselves hoarse, and I'm so incredibly grateful for every silly second. I came to a realization this year that I feel compelled to share here, for whomsoever may need it: Avoiding fear, sadness or anger is not the same thing as being happy. I live my sadness every day, but I don't resent it anymore. Instead, I do it now so that the wonderful moments of joy I do find are not in order to forget, but to inhabit and enjoy for their own sake. It's not easy. In fact, I'd say it takes much more effort to consciously do than it does to just stay sad, but with all my heart, I cannot tell you how worth it it is. And for those suffering from depression, I know how dark and endless that tunnel can feel, but if happiness seems impossible to find, please hold on to the possibility of hope, faint though it may be. Because I promise you, there're enough nights under the same yellow moon for all of us to share, no matter how or when you find your way there. zeldawilliams

https://instagram.com/p/7Qp7PQtqfd/?taken-by=zeldawilliams

Changes

I used to think I was such an organized person.
I think I was and then things get so busy that it becomes obvious I'm not quite as organized as I used to be....
Big audit today. Our customer makes snack foods. And while we did okay....when an auditor asks you to produce a document and it takes you 30 minutes to find it?
It doesn't send a good message.
So I got that message today.
I spoke to a co-worker and told her we need to do some cleaning up and re-organizing.
She is on board, so I feel good about that.
There are some big changes coming for me at work.
I might as well start making my own changes now....l

Home now.
Some veggie sushi and tofu for dinner.
Yes, I'm still on the plant based diet and feeling a bit better.
I made a big pot of lentil soup so that will be tomorrow nights dinner.
Friday had turned into pizza night lately in this house but, like I said.
Time for a change.
Change is always good.

Changes - David Bowie

Friday Gratitude

Today is a better day. Not just because it is Friday, but because things are starting to fall in place for me.

Things are looking up, in several different areas of my life.

I think, after re-reading the Gratitude article I posted yesterday….

I see that it is important for me to not just use this blog to vent about the bad stuff. It’s been great to have this outlet.

But, I need to remember there are also, good things in every one of my days.

A bunch of little, good things do add up…..

And it’s important to mention those as well. It’s important for me to remind myself that life is good and not just focus on the bad stuff.

I’m hoping to balance out my venting and my gratitude.

I really think I need a strand of gratitude beads mentioned in the article yesterday.

Or maybe I need to take those worry beads I have (ok, only in my head) and turn it into gratitude beads.

Why do I play with all of those worry beads, over and over, when instead I could linger on gratitude beads?

We all have something to be grateful for.

My life isn’t perfect.

But it is good. It’s good enough.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I’m in a fitbit challenge with 2 other people.

Simple. Just a 2 week challenge, the most steps.

I’m in last place.

It dawned on me today.

I’m taller than both of them, have a longer stride.

I think I should be able to double my numbers.

They don’t agree. not sure why...

Ok, I need to learn how to take smaller steps….

I’ve tried to put my fitbit steps on here, I figure it would embarrass me into walking more.

Still trying to figure out how to do that…..

https://www.facebook.com/sc.louriesbutterfliesandpebbles

Gratitude

This week has been up and down for me, as most of my life is :).
But when you lose someone, or think you have.
For me....it brings back memories.
Of good times, happy times.
Sometimes I think that there are none of those in my life, especially growing up.
But that would not be true.
I haven't had a perfect life but I understand and am grateful for what I did have.

I saw this article and wanted to share it here, I thought it was a perfect addition for today.

~ Susan

Attitude of Gratitude: 5 Tools for Appreciation

By Tina Su

 We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures. ~Thornton Wilder

  When life gets hectic and you begin to feel overwhelmed, take a moment to focus on the people and things you are grateful for in life. When you are grateful, other things will fall by the wayside. For example, you probably won’t be able to feel jealous and grateful at the same time. You might even be thankful for someone else’s success or their contribution to you. Being thankful gives you perspective on you situation and brings you to the present moment.

One of the most impressive reasons for being grateful is the positive impact on the way you think and feel. Research shows that grateful people have, “higher reported levels of the positive states of alertness, enthusiasm, determination, attentiveness and energy . . .”
You will find a positive emotional state by simply focusing on the parts of your life that you are most thankful for. Appreciate the abundance in your life. Being grateful is an energizing way to start your day and a relaxing way to end it.

Sometimes a quick visual reminder is all you need to bring you back to a place of thankfulness and abundance.

1. Gratitude Journal: Each evening you can list the things for which you are grateful. Start with just five things. You will soon see that your list is much longer than you expected. Personally, I have found that the best part of a Gratitude Journal is the record it creates; pages and pages of my personal history of abundance.

2. Gratitude Rock: Find a rock that feels good in your hand. Name it your ‘gratitude rock’, carry it with you along with your keys and wallet. The idea is to remember and say “Thank You” for something in your life, each time you touch or see the rock. For example, when you empty your pocket at night; when you pack up your things in the morning; when you reach for your keys. An actual rock is not necessary; you can use anything small as a figurative representation. My mother uses a cute little keychain as her gratitude rock.

3. Gratitude Beads: Collect a short string of unique beads, and give significance to each one. As you run your fingers through them, with each bead, think of one thing you are grateful for. If you use beads in this way, gratitude can be a bridge to meditation and peace. At bedtime, instead of thinking peaceful thoughts and resting, my mind may be overtaken with all the things I have left to do. Running my fingers over gratitude beads allow me to focus on my many wonders and blessings as I go to sleep.

4. Wheel of Gratitude: Use this tool to make a mental map of who and what you are grateful for in your life. Simon Perkins’ blog offers this technique as part of his mission to, “help everyday individuals cut through our self-imposed limitations and start enjoying life.” This is a compact display of all the richness in your life (and it fits neatly inside the cover of your Gratitude Journal.)

5. Gratitude Diet: My friend Dave developed a product called the gratitude diet with a daily 10 minute video for you to watch and relax into. The videos are designed to put you in a state of abundance and gratitude.

Gratitude can make a real difference in your ability to feel positive, both emotionally and physically. Try one or two of these tools for two weeks and feel the benefits yourself. You will be amazed at what you discover.

http://thinksimplenow.com/happiness/attitude-of-gratitude-5-tools-for-appreciation 

Thursday

Long week, but only Thursday....
I went to a funeral this morning, now back at work.

You know, My Dad died 7 years ago and since then, when I see one of his sisters, my aunts....they look at me and cry. They tell me, you look just like your father....(did I mention how handsome he was?)

Last month, I went to my uncles funeral. My fathers, sisters husband.
Today, I attended hers.
So - she could not look at me and cry.

So - I cried instead.

We, as always happens, lost touch. They lived in PA to be closer to one of her sons.
Her children were my age and we lived right next door to each other growing up.

At times like this, I get nostalgic.
I want to be in that back yard again.

Life goes on.
I miss my Dad.

Wednesday.....

Monday

I finished a book over the weekend - The Rosie Project.

It was really quite good. funny.
I won't go into too much detail, but -
About a guy, Don Tillman who couldn't show emotion.
Well, maybe he had no ability to feel emotions?
By the end of the book, he at least knew that and worked on it and found happiness.
I can't wait for the next in the series.
That probably did not make any sense, but it's the best I can do right now.

Speaking of emotions, it's been a very emotional day.
Another death in the family.
Another wake and funeral this week.

Too frequent the last few months.

I was thinking maybe Don Tillman has it right.
the inability to feel.

Right.
Don't wish your life away.

Trees....

So....we have new neighbors....our backyards meet.
And it seems our new neighbors don't like trees.
All weekend, they have had a crew here.
Cutting down every tree in their back yard.
About 20 so far have been cut down.
Huge, tall, old, trees.
Trees reaching for the sky.
It's sad and depressing.
Their choice, their perogative, I know.
But still, sad and depressing.

The view has changed in our backyard.
And they aren't done.
The lush green, the shade...
Sunlight is now streaming in.

I'm hiding in the den.
Door closed.
Music playing.
(Ironically, you've got a friend right now)

But I'm hiding.
From the sound of the chainsaw.

The birds are confused.
Gonna need to buy some more birdseed.

Don't want to be a downer....
I'll focus on the sunlight streaming in.

Think Like a Tree
Soak up the sun
Affirm life's magic
Be graceful in the wind
Stand tall after a storm
Feel refreshed after it rains
Grow strong without notice
Be prepared for each season
Provide shelter to strangers
Hang tough through a cold spell
Emerge renewed at the first signs of spring
Stay deeply rooted while reaching for the sky
Be still long enough to
hear your own leaves rustling.
~Karen. L. Shagg

Life is hard.

I know.
such a profound realization.

I knew this. Life is hard.
I really did.
It did not just come to me yesterday.
But, to be honest.
I was reminded of this thought yesterday.

Why?
Why is life hard?
good question.

Why is this such a tough question to answer.

Why do I ask so many questions?

I've been told that my job as a Quality Assurance professional for 30 years....
makes me see everything in black or white.
Everything is clear cut.
Right or wrong.
Black or white.
There is no grey area.
And maybe this is a good quality to have at work, but not in life, not as a  friend or sister or daughter or partner.
This is what I believe now.

I ask a lot of questions.
I always want to know - why?
I want to understand.
Why is this bad? to want to understand? (I know, another question, 2 actually)

I struggle at work and in life. Daily I struggle with this. Because having a quality mindset like I have does not make you friends. even at work.

I have this quote at work, tacked up outside of my cubicle.

Quality is never an accident; it is always the result of high intention, sincere effort, intelligent direction and skillful execution; it represents the wise choice of many alternatives.

is this only meant for work or in life do you think?

So, I ask questions, I drill down. I ask why, why, why until I get to the root cause of something.
Why? so we can prevent something bad from happening again. In work, in life...

That's what I do. Before my current job, I was specifically a complaint investigator for Big Pharma. that was my life, I investigated complaints.

I received a broken tablet.
This medication doesn't work.
Why are these tablets yellow?
I could go on.

But I investigated and asked questions and solved problems.

Because, what is the alternative?
Don't ask questions?
Just stay quiet?

Am I like the 3 year old who never stops asking questions?
Who is never satisfied with an answer.
That's how I feel.

I'm already a really quiet person.
Most of my why questions are in my head.
You know what happens when you tell an introvert to be quiet, you talk too much, why do you have to ask so many questions?
It  isn't a good feeling.

So, the questions, the why, why why.
I figure that's where I need to keep them.
In my head.
Or at least ask questions anonymously to the world here :)

In the real world....
Don't ask questions. You may not like the answer.

But.
My though is this....
We all see the same moon and stars at night.
Did you ever think about that?
No matter where we are.
We all see the same universe.
We are not all that different.....

Thursday 8/20/15

Another semi-sleepless night again, not as bad as the other night.
Then, I didn't want to get up this morning.
Feel like I've been hit by a Mack truck. I'm not sure why.
My mind racing instead of sleeping is not a physical thing.

Maybe it's a mental, hit by a truck, feeling.
Who knows.

Such is life.
I know I have no control over it.

As soon as I really accept that.
Maybe that's when I'll sleep well again.
Accept the way things are.

Get busy living or get busy dying.
Stop wishing your life away.....

I know how to say all of the right things.

I just need to start living those truths, huh?

Sometimes life throws you a curve ball and it's great.
And sometimes life throws you another curve ball that you wish you could throw back.

But, I forced myself out of bed this morning.
Made my coffee (bright spot) and then my normal routine.
Looked for emails, checked out the news and sports.
Skipped a morning walk, I'm not awake yet and it is already gross out.

Sat down to write here.
Then wondered if I should do so?, in my less than "up" mood that I've been in for the last week.

Screw it.
This is me.

Get busy living or get busy dying.....

I had another sleepless night Monday night. Lately, really for months now, I've been getting a decent amount of sleep for me. 6 or 7 hours.

But there was a period of time in the recent past when I was getting pretty much no sleep. And somehow, I still made it through each day.

now, when I have a sleepless night it is just too much. I can't handle it anymore.

I worked from home yesterday. After a sleepless night. You know the drill, wake up, the mind races, the stress, the questions come. Why, why, why?! But that is a topic for another day. Why.

When I say I stayed home yesterday and worked, mostly I mean I lay on the couch and vegged.

Watched a favorite movie.

The Shawshank Redemption.


Which brings me to that great scene in the movie...

Get busy living, or get busy dying.

I can watch this movie, over and over. I never get tired of it. It's one of those movies that I can't stop thinking about. The kind you want to share with others. So many element of life.
Hope. Hope keeps us alive.

Just like the quote......

"people who love the same books have the roadmap to your soul"  (Cassandra Clare)

I feel that way about certain movies and love when someone says....I love that movie, too!

If any of you have not seen this movie?
Total Gibbs slap.
Rent it, or buy it.
Please watch it.
You won't be sorry.
And if I could find someone who wants to talk about the movie with me, I would be so happy.

Some of my favorite quotes from the movie -

RED: I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice. Still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they're gone. I guess I just miss my friend.

ANDY: Remember Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies. 

ANDY: I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living or get busy dying.

I will repeat this to myself today. Off to work now :)

Rambling Thoughts.....

You know....
When I first thought to start this blog, it was for several reasons.

I wanted to talk about the books I've been reading, and birds, and life and sports, and anything that popped into my always jumbled mind. I guess once I started talking, it was like a dam had burst and now I don't want to stop and I need somewhere to channel all that is inside of me. and even if no one reads what I write? I feel better, going through the motions of getting some thoughts out of my....already-jumbled-mind...

I promised myself as a New Year's Resolution that I would read more this year.
And for once, I have followed though.

I love to read, I always have. It was one of the main ways I escaped a not great childhood, how I spent my time, being the quiet, shy one.
I flew through books in my elementary school library. I remember the SRA reading program there and I was always way ahead. I wasn't very good in most other subjects. I loved to read, I enjoyed history, English? as in grammar? not so much, so please forgive me here.

And I've read all of my life, certainly going though phases of lots of reading to a little reading. books for the beach and more serious books.

So, this year, I've gotten back into reading.
A lot.
And it's been good for me and has occupied my time and my mind through a very turbulent year in an already stressful life (I know, who doesn't?). Don't get me wrong, Amy's surgery went well, she is on the road to recovery and we are in a really good place right now. I don't know what I would do without her. I know, believe me, how very lucky I am to have her by my side. Always.

But I found out something else about myself. I need an outlet, I like to write. I like to be creative. I love finding the "perfect quote" Who knew? Who knew a shy, quiet introvert had so much to say? So many thoughts....

Of course, my having something to say and being a good friend, a good conversationalist, are two different things.

I started following an Amazon book forum several years ago. I followed it as a "lurker" for a long, long time before I even found the courage to post a little bit. But I did. and I found that I was completely welcomed there. In so many ways, such a wonderful group of non-judgmental, caring folks.

Those tentative steps of posting led me to helping out with the forum more, and I started to "open" a day there, once a week.

And I enjoyed it. I loved it. and even if I didn't have too much to say through-out the day (conversation...) and I wasn't (I'm not) the most sociable person (I need an Emily Post intervention). I loved coming up with "starts".

I loved interacting with people in what, for me...was the best possible way.....

For the most part, those starts were mostly cut and paste of special days or of topics I was interested in. It was an easy way to share my feelings...my thoughts and fears....where my mind was.
Several times, I wrote my own thoughts and it gave me confidence to continue to do so. I realized I loved writing, and loved sharing my thoughts. I'm just not very good at the give and take, the ebb and flow of normal conversation. I accept that.

And life goes on, circumstances change and people come and go out of our lives.

Still, I feel the need to write.
I have found that reading and writing are both outlets for me.
Reading - it keeps me busy and my mind off the stress of everyday life.
Writing? - I don't know - I love to write, to ramble.  I realize that I have a much easier time "talking" when it is in an email or a text or just on paper.
When the phone rings? I ask myself. Can't they just send me an email or text? I would be so much happier if I could always communicate like this.

This used to be me -

Now? now I can't hold it in. As long as it is the written word :)
I don't have anything important to say. It's not that.
I just want to talk about the latest book I read or what a crappy day I'm having :)


And bear with me. I'm new at this blog thing and just trying to find my way. Find what works for me. I don't know where it will go, what direction it will take.

"I don't think you get to good writing unless you expose yourself and your feelings. Deep songs don't come from the surface; they come from the deep down. The poetry and the songs that you are suppose to write, I believe are in your heart."  Judy Collins